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Posts Tagged ‘joke’

Can you guess the punchline?

Probably not.  But you don’t have to.  This is not a joke but actually a police report (of sorts) which you can read about on the Boston Herald.

Reiter says the zebra and macaw parrot are pets and like riding in the truck. Reiter claims he sometimes takes the animals into the bar, but the owner says they’re not allowed inside.

Officers gave Reiter a field sobriety test and charged him with drunken driving. Reiter disputes the arrest. He says he was about to let a passenger, a person, begin driving.

Which one looks drunk to you?  (I’m thinking circus afro, myself)

You can’t make this stuff up.  I like how they clarify that he was going to let a passenger–A PERSON–begin driving.

It’s okay officer.  The zebra’s driving.  And he hasn’t had anything to drink!

The drunk says he sometimes takes the animals into the bar.  The owner denies that.  Hmmm.  Who do you believe?  Is the bar owner just covering his zebra ass?  A man walks into a bar.  The guy behind, the owner, ducks.  Sorry.  I couldn’t resist throwing that joke in there.

I came across the news item thanks to a friend at the surgical center where I operate.   After we all finished laughing, someone asked in what country did this happen?  (Because pet zebras are so common in the U.S.!)

She checked the article again.

Iowa.

Seriously, how far are we from Iowa?  (Thank you Jeff Dunham for this clip!)

Well, apparently, a few feathers were ruffled with the Levity Entertainment Group.  Not much levity if you ask me.  What I find strange is this . . . you can view the whole video on youtube and the clip I linked above that is no longer available starts at 9:06 (the whole clip is 9:25.)  Yes.  I spared you all that time so you could hear this exchange with Achmed:

Jeff:  Where . . . Where do you find an inflatable virgin?

Achmed:  Right next to the inflatable goats. OH, like you never did that?!  Seriously, how far are we from Iowa?

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Candy Isn’t Better Than Sex

Golfing on Friday, one of our foursome told this joke:

Not polite to stare, ladies . . .

A man was out golfing and sliced his ball into the woods, where it hit a leprechaun and knocked him out.  The man resuscitated the poor creature who was so happy that he promised to grant the man three wishes.

“I don’t need any wishes,” protested the man.  “I’m sorry my ball hit you.”

He then retrieved his ball and went back to his game.

Well the leprechaun decided he was going to give the man three wishes anyway, so he wished for the man a great golf game, a lot of money, and a great sex life.

Several months passed, and by quirk of circumstances, the golfer sliced into the woods again.  The leprechaun peeked out from a tree and greeted the man as he found his ball.

“So, sir,” asked the leprechaun, “how’s your golf game lately?”

The man answered, “aside from this errant shot, it’s actually been pretty good.  I’m playing better than I ever have.”

“That’s great,” replied the leprechaun.  “And how’s your financial situation?”

“Well, I’m not sure it’s any of your business, but now that you mention it, things have been going very well lately.”

The leprechaun nodded knowingly.  “And I don’t want to seem like I’m prying or anything, but how’s your sex life lately?”

The man was taken aback by the forward little leprechaun, but after thinking about it a moment, he said, “Now that you make me think about it, things have been great.  I have sex once, sometimes twice a week.”

“You call that great?,” asked the leprechaun, somewhat astonished by the answer.

“Well, I’m a priest in a rather small parish, so that’s actually pretty great.”

Now you’re probably wondering about the candy part.  The problem is, though this joke is funny, it is not appropriate to be retold in an audience with small children.  So it has to be altered somewhat . . .

A man was out golfing and sliced his ball into the woods, where it hit a leprechaun and knocked him out.  The man resuscitated the poor creature who was so happy that he promised to grant the man three wishes.

“I don’t need any wishes,” protested the man.  “I’m sorry my ball hit you.”

He then retrieved his ball and went back to his game.

Well the leprechaun decided he was going to give the man three wishes anyway, so he wished for the man a great golf game, a lot of money, and a lot of candy.

Several months passed, and by quirk of circumstances, the golfer sliced into the woods again.  The leprechaun peeked out from a tree and greeted the man as he found his ball.

“So, sir,” asked the leprechaun, “how’s your golf game lately?”

The man answered, “aside from this errant shot, it’s actually been pretty good.  I’m playing better than I ever have.”

“That’s great,” replied the leprechaun.  “And how’s your financial situation?”

“Well, I’m not sure it’s any of your business, but now that you mention it, things have been going very well lately.”

The leprechaun nodded knowingly.  “And I don’t want to seem like I’m prying or anything, but have you been eating a lot of candy lately?”

The man was taken aback by the forward little leprechaun, but after thinking about it a moment, he said, “Now that you make me think about it, things have been great.  I have candy once, sometimes twice a week.”

“You call that great?,” asked the leprechaun, somewhat astonished by the answer.

“Well, I’m a a diabetic with bad blood sugars, so that’s actually pretty great.”

See?  It’s just not the same!

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Immigrant Hair Dryer

My wife recently purchased a new hair dryer.  I don’t think you can buy them old, unless maybe you go to eBay.  Anyway, I know this because of the box on the sink in our bathroom.

On closer inspection, though, I noticed that some of the box was written in Spanish.

My first thought was, and I hope I don’t go to Hell for this, OMG . . . she bought a Mexican Hair Dryer.

This was followed by . . . it probably won’t work.  In fact, our other hair dryers will probably have to work harder to support it.

But don’t worry about us . . . our hair is dry thank you very much . . . it’s made in China.

It’s probably spewing formaldehyde and mercury but at least it works!

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A woman contemplating cataract surgery asks her surgeon, “Will I be able to play the piano after my cataract surgery?”

The surgeon smiles and answers, “I don’t see why not.”

“Well, that’s great,” the woman replied ecstatically.  “I was never able to play before!”

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