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Posts Tagged ‘glasses’

Picture it.

2018.  Applebee’s in the mall.

My girlfriend has forgotten her reading glasses.  This is nothing new.

But as I looked out across the mall from the restaurant window, I spied with my little eye a Hallmark store.  Surely they have reading glasses.  You can get them for a couple of bucks at the Dollar Store.  Most pharmacies.  Wal-Mart.  The list goes on.

We were still waiting for another couple so I opined, “I wonder if the Hallmark store would have reading glasses?”

The granddaughter of another couple dining with us assured me that they do.

I asked my girlfriend, “Do you want me to get you some glasses?  Or should I read you the menu?”

So I was off for glasses!

Quest

I entered the Hallmark Store.  I was slightly distracted by a display of Penn State paraphernalia, but I resisted the urge to buy something blue and white which is not used for reading and instead headed directly to the clerk behind the cash register.

“Do you sell reading glasses?”

She informed me they do not.  She was sorry.  (Didn’t look sorry if you ask me.) But apparently life sucks sometimes.

Now it just so happens that there is a Lens Crafters optical shop next door.  As an eye surgeon who owns his own optical dispensary, I had a vague anxiety about entering this establishment.  I feared a patient of mine would see me and then wonder why I was shopping for glasses at a competitor’s store.

But my alternative is to return to Applebee’s defeated and without the glasses.  I would not be defeated!

Len Crafters does not sell over-the-counter reading glasses.  Even our optical shop sells OTC cheater readers.

I exited the store dejected.  I tried to sort through my options, but I kept thinking of that Penn State stuff I saw in Hallmark.  I could drive home, which is closer than driving to my optical shop.  That just smelled of loser right there.

I looked up and saw Sears.  Could they?  Would they?

A clerk sent me to Sears Optical.  They don’t sell them either!

“Why not,” I asked incredulously.

“Because you can buy them at any pharmacy, or Target.”

Well that’s a fine how-do-you-do.  Let’s just leave the fate of the presbyopic world to the Targets and Wal-Marts.

As I turned away in defeat, a thought occurred to me.  Maybe a bookstore would have reading glasses.  “Is there a bookstore that might sell reading glasses?”

Her eyes lit up.  “Yes.  Barnes & Noble’s has them.”

Now gentle reader, I fully know you don’t know where I am–other than a Sears Optical which could be located in any mall anywhere.  So let me enlighten you.  This mall does not have a Barnes & Noble.  The mall across town closer to my office has a Barnes & Noble.

Trying desperately not to strangle this woman, I asked through clenched teeth, “Is there any bookstore in THIS mall?”

She thinks for a moment.  “There’s a Walden Books.  Here on the first floor.  But I don’t know if they are still in business.”

I am defeated.  Just for the record, the First National Bank besides Sears doesn’t sell reading glasses either.

I walk the walk of shame back towards Applebee’s with no glasses in hand when the granddaughter catches up with me.  Apparently they were all watching as I went from store to store.

“Why didn’t you buy them in Hallmark?” she asked me.

“The lady told me they don’t sell them.”

Apparently, granddaughter, being a teenager, KNOWS the mall.

We head back to the Hallmark store.  She shows me a basket in the back filled with reading glasses.  Cue the heavenly music.  The basket is virtually glowing.  I’m glowing.

I put the glasses down by the register and the woman who told me they didn’t sell them looked at me in astonishment and asked, “where did you get these?”

“Not from Sears optical.  Or the bank.  Back there.”  I point.  We all look.  “In a basket.”

She looked at them in disbelief.

But I’m on this.  “So since you don’t actually sell reading glasses, I suppose I can just take these without paying?”

She laughed.  Ka-ching!  Palmed those glasses into a bag more deftly than David Copperfield could make the Statue of Liberty disappear.

“That’ll be $24.95.”

“Are you kidding me?  We sell them for less.  You can get them in the Dollar Store for a buck or two.”

“Do you want these?”

I can’t believe I just paid a store almost $25 for something they don’t even sell.

But the Quest was a success!

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As I was surfing Facebook tonight, because, well, I have no life and this what I do, I came across an advertisement for the Quantum Vision System, which guarantees “perfect vision in just 7 days” or your money back!

Holy Eyeballs, Batman!  Why did they never teach me this in my residency?  Shoot!  I’ve been wearing glasses since third grade.  I could have been glasses free before the end of the marking period!  (Forehead slap, which makes me thirsty for a V8 for some reason.)

Naturally, I had to investigate this miracle for myself.

Disclaimer:  I have no financial interest in this product.  I am not telling you not to try it for yourself, or confuse you with double negatives.  It might work for you.  All I am doing here is to provide my thoughts on the promotional video.  You may reach whatever conclusion you like from that.  You can see the promotional video on Youtube.

Not far into the video, the alleged doctor asserts that “if you fall asleep in your contacts they can slide around in your eye and damage your optic nerve.”

Quantum1

Seriously????  That’s a violation of basic anatomy right there!

Anatomy

 

 

And then, when talking about LASIK surgery, he says:

Quantum2

I wouldn’t let an amerature touch my eyes either!  So, apparently anatomy isn’t the only class he skipped.  Spelling AMATEUR isn’t important when you are saving eyesight and lives!

There was a rumor back in medical school that anyone who applied to an ophthalmology residency, but couldn’t spell ophthalmology, didn’t have a chance to get in.  Those applications went straight into the circular file.  Optrometry Optometry schools must not screen their applicants similarly.

Quantum3

And if that isn’t enough, how about recalibrate?

Quantum4

Maybe recolaborate is a military strategerizing term.  Or it could be a quantum term that only Einstein understands.

Again, I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t try out his $37.00 “risk free” vision system.  But if it had been me, I’d have charged maybe $49.00 and hired a proofreader to give me some more credibility.

And, I’m not the only blogger to stumble upon this:

My Eye Pod writes:

Here is “Dr” William Kemp, who claims to be an optometrist in Virginia, but does not exist as far as my research can tell (no Twitter account, no LinkedIn profile, no Facebook page, no practice website, no Virginia Optometric license, etc). . . The video presentation is rife with typos (“lense”, and “amerture” for example), impossible claims (reading the serial number of an airliner from the ground), and absolutely hilarious reinactments. But that’s not all! He also claims his method can help you remember things better, have improved brain function, reduce stress and even “detect all lies”! WOW, WHO WOULDN’T WANT ALL OF THAT!?

And Eye Exercises for Computer Users writes:

The promotional video lasts very long. I thought I was only 30mn long. I could not pause it. I left it playing for about an hour and when I came back, it still is playing! . . . Don’t hurt your eyes and watch that never-ending infomercial. Many scammers who gave reviews all over the place are unethical affiliates who starve to get commissions from selling you this ebook. The product seems to come with a money-back guarantee. But here is the catch: if you would buy it from an affiliate link, you won’t get that feature.

I guess I’ll have to go back to my glasses, which I will do just as soon as I squint and feel around to find them!  It might take me seven days!

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So there I am on the sofa in our sun room, which this time of year is more like the cloud room, but regardless I am there.  I am relaxing.  I am contemplating the meaning of life sleeping.

The doorbell rings.  The dogs start barking like there is an axe murderer on our front porch.

I get up to go let the axe murderer in.  I’m pretty sure it is the tow truck guy (well, what would you call him) who has come to start my daughter’s car.  Her battery ist kaput and I couldn’t jump-start it with either our van or my jeep.  He said he’d be here in 90 minutes, which gave me plenty of time to contemplate the meaning of life.

But he still could be an axe murderer, because I can’t see at this point.

I look around for my glasses.  I always put them on the coffee table by the couch while I am contemplating things.  But they are not there.

As I pass through the kitchen, I try to search for them–but they are not in any of the places they usually are when they are not on the coffee table while I am contemplating things.

Worse yet, I can’t see more than a couple of feet in front of me without them, which makes finding them more challenging.

As I pass my office, I check in there to be sure I didn’t leave them on my desk or near the computer, which is where I always leave them when I am working on the computer and contemplating important things, like why I haven’t written a blog entry since January 24th.

The dogs are still barking as if the axe murderer has now killed someone on our porch, or perhaps he’s just getting ready to jump-start our door bell.

So I grab my spare pair of glasses–the ones I generally wear to run–because I can actually find them and I want to be sure the man–or woman, sorry to sound sexist–on my porch is a tow truck person and not an axe murderer before I open the door and allow my dogs to feast on his or her flesh.  Wow!  That was one sentence.  I believe I broke several rules of grammar there.

So after opening the door, restraining the attack dogs, and ascertaining that the man is actually the tow truck guy, I head out to watch him jump-start my daughter’s car with what looks like a small suitcase with jumper cable clamps attached.  Yeah–the batteries from our cars couldn’t start this baby.  Good luck with your little PlaySkool kit there.

Well, to my surprise, the portable defibrillator he brought started the car right up.  I know when you stick a screwdriver into an electrical socket, bad things happen.  I call it being handy with a screwdriver.  I never could understand electricity and when you start talking about cold-cranking amps you might as well be speaking Greek.  Ampere is actually derived from the French physicist, but I can’t speak French either.  He could probably resuscitate a dead person with that suitcase, but they would awake to two battery clamps pinching their nipples.  That would not be a pretty sight.

Speaking of sight . . .

As I was watching him do CPR on my daughter’s car, I ran my hand through my hair (okay, what’s left of my hair) and lo and behold . . .

I found my other pair of glasses!

Dude!  Where are my glasses?

Dude! Where are my glasses?

Just call me six eyes.

To his credit, tow truck guy never said anything or laughed out loud at me.

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Glasses Half-Empty?

Frank and Ernest are living the EyeLife . . .

Oh, [bleep] my glasses are empty 

That sucks.

We will never, never be

anything but loud and nitty gritty, dirty little freaks

So raise your glasses!

Sorry.  Went a little Pink there.

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