Posts Tagged ‘fail’

So I went to Outback Steakhouse tonight.  Now I have been known in the past to try and order a whopper at Wendy’s–they do not appreciate that let me tell you!–but it’s a Steakhouse.  How could I go wrong here?  Order an Onion Blossom instead of a Bloomin’ Onion?

No.  I took fail to a whole new level tonight.

I was perusing the menu, and  I saw Coconut Shrimp and Steak.  This looks good.  I’m not a big shrimp fan, nor a coconut fan, but for some reason, when you put the two together, I can go co-co-co-coconuts for that.  Throw in that orange marmalade goop and you don’t even know you’re eating shrimp!  (Although the pina colada stuff at Red Lobster puts the orange crap to shame, but I digress.)

Can you go wrong with this?

Can you go wrong with this?

But they also have some lobster specials, and while shrimp is meh, lobster is the real deal.  Add a steak, and you can definitely deal me in.  Add some coconut shrimp and orange goop, well, I may just have died and gone to Heaven.

Do you not see three items here:  steak, coconut shrimp and a lobster tail hiding in the back?

Do you not see three items here: steak, coconut shrimp and a lobster tail hiding in the back? (Pay no attention to that green crap.)

My meal arrives and looks as advertised.  I quickly put away the two shrimp, which by the way, were humongous.  They must be like super jumbo shrimp.  But slathering them in orange goop, I get them out of the way, since that is my least favorite part of this triple play combo.

Up next.  Steak.  Say what you want about the folks from Down Under, but they do a great steak on the barbie.

I have saved the best for last.  The lobster tail.  The pièce de résistance.

Fish may be Friends not food, but Bruce is having Lobster tonight!

Fish may be friends not food, but Bruce is having Lobster tonight!

It looks so good.  My mouth is watering in anticipation, although it might be due to the spice on the steak or the fact that my waitress hasn’t brought me a refill.  I turn it over and . . .

Dude!  Somebody stole yo' lobster!

Dude! Somebody stole yo’ lobster!

OMG!  The bastards gave me an empty shell!  They are trying to rip me off!  I frantically try to find our waitress, and quite frankly, don’t they all start to look the same when you need one?  I finally get her attention without having to stand up on the table and swing from the lamp, which would have totally embarrassed my sons to death.  Little did they know that they should have already headed for the door.

So I point to the empty carcass and complain, “I didn’t get my lobster tail!”

To which she replies, “Sir, you already ate it.”

Oh, no!  Don’t you be that waitress.  I did not already eat this tail and then try to game you out of another one.   After all, it’s not like this is going to come out of your pocket.  The damned chef is the one back there eating my lobster on his break.

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.  It’s coconut lobster.  You ate it already.  I saw you.”

I stared into her eyes.  They were telling me that not only did she see me eat the coconut “shrimp” but she saw me down them so fast that I still have orange goop on my lips.  I think I had just shoved one in my mouth next to my tonsils when she stopped by to ask how everything tasted.  Apparently she didn’t understand me complimenting the shrimp that was stuck in my throat.  It was not a pleasant stare.  She was looking at me with disdain.

“You mean . . .”

“It’s steak and coconut lobster.  There isn’t any shrimp.”

Well put a star on my forehead and call me a Christmas Tree.  I did not see that coming.

My triple play ultimate combo was really a double play, with a fake tail that the waitress claims they put on the plate for “effect.”  Like a placebo effect.  It just makes you feel like you’ve had lobster.  I’ve heard of the Butterfly Effect but I have never heard of the Lobster Effect.

And worse yet, I have already eaten my damned lobster!  First instead of last!  You can’t do it in that order!  And I thought it was shrimp!  (In all honesty, it was really good shrimp, which now in hindsight makes sense since it was lobster and not shrimp after all.)

I should have read the menu, instead of just looking at the pretty pictures.

My sons may never eat with me again.

Next time, I’ll stick to Red Lobster.  At least there is lobster in the name.

Read Full Post »

Chinese Fail

A patient of mine brought me a Penn State lanyard, knowing that I am somewhat of a Nittany Lion Fan.


But wait.  Let’s look at this a little closer . . .


Made in CHIAN?

Where the hell is Chian?

Oh, here it is!



I guess they don’t type Engrish very good in Chian!

I don’t know which is worse . . . that Penn State lanyards are made in China, or that the quality control is so poor that they can’t even spell their own country’s name?  Of course, I am assuming that the label wasn’t made in the USA!

Come on!  You had ONE JOB to do, Mr. Sum Ting Wong.  One job!



Read Full Post »

First Class Fail

The past week, my daughter, now a sophomore in college, had the occasion to mail a check.

I know you are wondering why, but I promised not to tell.

I lied.

(She got a traffic citation.)

See, I didn’t tell anyone she got a ticket.

But that is not the amusing part of this story.  Nor is the fact that although she was pulled over for speeding, the above mentioned citation was for an obstructed view–she had a parking pass hanging from her rear view mirror.  The nice police officer (nice as in he felt like granting her a favor, and not nice as in a French policeman in Nice, France where my daughter was not exceeding the speed limit by A LOT) wrote her up for a lesser charge.  Now this is not the first time my daughter has been pulled over.  But it is the first time she was cited for anything.

But that is not the amusing part of this story.

See, she mailed in her fine.  Which was fine.  Except for the fact that the envelope came back to us:


Apparently, two cents doesn’t even buy enough ink to say ‘returned for postage.’


Looks good enough to mail a fine!

Two cents?

Now . . . this is the funny part.

I inform my daughter that it was returned for insufficient postage (but I didn’t use big words like insufficient.)

With complete innocence, she protests “I put a stamp on it!”

I agreed.  “Yes.  A two-cent stamp.”

She was befuddled.  “Well, how many stamps do you need?”

OMG.  I cannot believe what I’m hearing.

Even if you lived under a rock and didn’t realize the price of stamps went up to 49 cents in January of this year, you would still know that it costs more than two cents to mail a letter.  Or a fine.

You have to go back to June of 1932 to mail a letter for two cents!  I’m old enough to be her father, and I’ve never been able to mail a letter for two cents!  But I can remember when we had to lick those suckers to put them on the envelopes!  And our envelopes were made of papyrus, not this fancy paper crap!  And we had to deliver them ourselves.  Up hill.  Both ways.  See how I digressed there?

Apparently my daughter has been raised in an era where people do not mail letters anymore.  They text.  They email.  They chat.  They Instagram.  And while they think they are doing this for free (because the cost of the internet provider or their cell phone package is paid by someone else), the concept of paying to send something is foreign to them.

Our future is in good hands . . . as long as they don’t have to mail it!

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: