Posts Tagged ‘facebook’

As I was scrolling Facebook, I came across this ad.


For an obvious reason I stopped to stare.


What kind of a leopard looks like that?

Apparently a very Patriotic one.  Native to these United States.

I do have to agree with the flawless part though.  (They are talking about the swimsuit, right?)

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As you may know, if you are a regular reader here, from time to time I come across things on the interwebs that I find, um, rather amusing.

And I share with you.

On Facebook, today, I saw an ad for . . . wait for it . . . .

A Lock Pick Education Set.




It will help you understand how a lock works!  (Don’t you just snap it shut so other people can’t get into it?) You can play it like a puzzle! (There are hours of fun to be had . . . sitting in prison!)  Perfect gift for someone you love (or someone you’d love to see in jail!)

So I’m thinking, well, I’m thinking a lot of different thoughts at this point, but first and foremost is, is this real?  Are they really selling lockpick kits to the general public?  So I click on the comments . . . only the names have been changed to protect the innocent, but you get the idea . . .


I like the replies from the company, Orange Gadget.

We didn’t offer that kits.  Maybe in future will make it available.  There is much more product that will grab your interest too!

And they might try to grab your credit card number and other information as well.  I’m thinking this isn’t a reputable company, and I’m a little scared to try their link.

I am leery because I have already been bamboozled this season.  I saw an ad (on Facebook) for an electric snow shovel:


This is what I ordered and paid for

But the company, Momo-Lucky delivered this:



In case you are confused, that is an ICE SCRAPER.  I am Momo-UN-Lucky.  The package may say SNOW SHOVEL (and God only knows what in Chinese–maybe SUCKER) but that is not what I ordered.

The “Value” on the package says $5.  But my credit card was still billed $79.90 for this “snow shovel!”  The matter is currently under dispute and my credit card company has reimbursed me the original deduction.

But if you are brave and embark on this new career, I’ll call you if I ever need an expert locksmith!

Of course, you may pay $80 to become an expert locksmith, and this may be what they send you:


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I came across this advertisement on Facebook . . .

Seriously?  Are we supposed to think that runner is over 45?  I’m wondering if she’s even over 25!

And by the way, I am over 45, and I can run faster than a nine minute mile (especially if I am following her!)

I guess I should get the rate I deserve on life insurance!

And if you are over 45, you should probably ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to have running.

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I am not an eco-friendly human being.  There I said it. Hate me.  Despise me.  Curse me.

I don’t mind recycling, if I don’t have to walk all the way across the room to find a recycling bin.

I would use solar panels if someone gave them to me.

I’d drive a hybrid if I won one in a relatively cheap to enter contest.

But then I came across this ad for a new technology on Facebook.  (I swear it was on Facebook!)


Any way, for some reason, I had to check this out.

Stop jacking off and start jacking on?  This is the best thing since Nike told me to Just Do It!

Even if this isn’t for real, you have to admit it is one hell of an idea.  It makes even an un-ecofriendly man like myself want to do my part to save the planet, and power my phone/car/air conditioner/computer, and quite possibly a number of the electricity users in the community around me.

I could be a beata tester!

It boggles my mind the amount of power I have wasted already!

Plug me in!

Gives a whole new meaning to being “turned on!”

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I don’t normal take those on-line quizzes . . . You know the ones I’m talking about.

What Disney character are you most like?

What Rock and Roll Band are you most like?

Which Harry Potter character are you?

Which superhero are you?

What Olympian God/Goddess are you most like?

What animal are you?

What color are you?

Seriously?  What color am I?  Do I not have a mirror?

But if you have ever ventured into the vast wasteland of Facebook, these quizzes are rampant.  But for some reason, one of them caught my eye recently.  Maybe it was because of this eye image that accompanied the advertisement:


What is your subconscious obsessed with?

I thought I already knew the answer to this one.  SEX.  I’m not ashamed to admit it.  I think about it nearly all the time.  I don’t know why.  I’ve always assumed that this was normal.  And the people who are not obsessed with it–they are what we call liars.  So I was ready to test this scientific assessment to see if it came up with the correct answer.

So I clicked on a series of pictures they displayed before me–and I tried to be as honest as possible since none of them really reminded me of sex anyway–even those inkblots don’t look like anything to me except evidence that your pen is leaking and you need a new pen–and the end result was that my subconscious is apparently obsessed with . . .





The only time I really commune with nature is when I run–and I do love to run outside, braving the worst of elements to avoid the dreadmill or elliptical.  We do have two dogs, but getting the dogs was not my idea.  In fact, I went on record saying I didn’t want even one dog, let alone two.  I put my foot down–right into a pile of puppy poop.  It’s not that I don’t like my dogs–I do.  But I am not obsessed with them.  I hate cats.  I loathe cats.  Truth be told, I am deathly allergic to cats and have almost ended up in the hospital unable to breathe thanks to these itchy, scratchy, wheezy little varmints.  The only good cat is a dead one, and sometimes I have to back over them nine times to make sure I get all their lives.

I do like cows.  Hamburgers and steaks are my favorite.  And pigs.  I love me some bacon.  So maybe I am an animal person after all.

Camping?  Please.  If there isn’t indoor plumbing, heat and a/c, and a bed to sleep on, I’ll pass.  If there’s cable TV, I’m there.  No Wifi?  No thank you.

Hiking?  Is that running up hill at a slow pace?  OK, maybe.

Makes me think about nature while doing grocery shopping, cooking . . . okay let’s just stop right there.  I don’t grocery shop and I do not cook.  I have trouble making grilled cheese sandwiches.

Where did I go wrong?  How could I be obsessing about nature, when I’m so busy obsessing about sex?

Then it hit me.  My obsession with sex was conscious.  Subconsciously, I might be obsessing about nature.  Maybe having sex outdoors, getting au naturel, or something like that.

What color am I?  Maybe I should take that test too. . . .could be any one of fifty shades of grey.

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Are you one of the 1.01 billion Facebook users?

Then surely you have had the occasion to check out the ads that pop up along the right side of your screen.  They are the modern billboards of the Internet’s Route 66.

For instance, there is Wal-Mart . . .


I’m not exactly sure what those numbers mean.  27 million people LIKE Wal-Mart, but only 3 million have been there.  Even less are actually talking about it apparently. And how do THEY know that?  Can THEY hear me through my computer?  Now I am just scared.   And if there truly are a billion Facebook users, then only 2.8% of Facebook users actually LIKE Wal-Mart.  Kind of insignificant when you look at it like that.  And what about the rest. . . do they HATE Wal-Mart?  Why don’t they have a HATE option?  For that matter, why isn’t there a LOVE option?  But I digress.

So here are some ads that have popped up along my travels on this information superhighway . . .


I didn’t even know I had a golf death move!  Holy Shit!  I could have killed someone!  I probably have–and I didn’t even know it.  And what’s worse, this site promises to eliminate my #1 death move.  What about my #2?  Or #3?  I’m pretty sure my game is bad enough I could wipe out the population of a small village large city with little effort.

Facebookad2I am so sorry if this blog has infected you.  I need Real to Read that Book.  NOT.

Facebookad3Thirty Eight pages of instructions is . . . easy????  Thank God there are pitchers or I might wind up building a nuclear submarine from those parts instead of a windmill for my miniature golf course (beware:  playing miniature golf may be dangerous for your health, especially if your partners have unresolved death moves.)

Facebookad4Twenty-one people ‘like’ false allegations?  I hope none of them are my friends!

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Have you seen the list of 100 Foods you should eat before you die on Facebook?  (Full list below.)  It’s a Lunch Bucket List of apparently random food items that someone with way too much time on their hands thinks people should eat before they die.  Some of the items—like snake or sea urchins might speed up that dying process.  You literally might eat them right before you die!  If you are an aficionado of these less common food staples, I apologize.  And . . . seriously?

I just lost my #18 . . . Clean up in Aisle 5!

Apparently sheep penises didn’t make the list.  But Haggis did!  Haggis is a “kind of savoury pudding containing sheep’s pluck (heart, liver and lungs — see offal); minced with onion, oatmeal, suet [isn’t that bird feed?], spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally encased in the animal’s stomach and simmered for approximately three hours.”  Make sure you use stock, not bonds.  I imagine the three hours is critical.  Any less than that, and it would probably eat you.  Offal doesn’t sound like awful by coincidence.  Now, I will admit I have eaten Spam, and I can honestly say that for as far as I know, it’s Haggis in a can.  I just don’t want to know.

I am pretty uninteresting when it comes to food.  I am a meat and potatoes man, and that pretty much translates to hamburgers and fries, which strangely enough, didn’t make this list.  That obviously casts a shadow of invalidity on this whole project.

The claim is that most people have only tried around 20 of these.  Now I am by no means a sophisticated gourmand, but I have eaten 30 of these by my count.  That could be higher but I don’t know what some of these are.

Absinthe?  Does it make the heart grow fonder?

Baba Ghanoush?  Isn’t that a producer for the Howard Stern radio show?

Bellini?  I drink Bellini tea at Olive Garden, but I doubt that is what they mean.

Jerk chicken . . . it tastes like rubber!

Bird’s nest soup?  Does this involve an actual bird’s nest?  Yes it does, but that is not the best part.  According to Wikipedia, they use the nests of cave swifts, known for saliva nests that produce the unique texture of this soup.  I’m sorry, but bird saliva will never be crossed off my lunch bucket list.

I don’t think honey comb refers to the cereal—alas I can’t check that one off.

Mimosa?  The drink.  Yes.  I have drunk mimosas.  But I suspect this is something else which I cannot cross off yet.  Oh wait . . . “tagliatelle mimosa consists of fresh green tagliatelle, served with tiny yellow fish balls, to resemble mimosa flowers.”  Mmmmm.  Fish balls.  I don’t care what color they are.  They are not on MY list.

Lassi?  Yogurt drink or dog.  You decide.

Octopus?  I won’t touch calamari.  This is just worse and more of it.

How hungry did the first person to ever eat a frog have to be?  Seriously?  It’s a frog.  I’d rather eat the lily pad.  Perhaps with a fine Chianti.

Of course, with enough alcohol, maybe even the sea urchin will start looking good.

Does this really make you hungry? Of course, with those spines, you could save on toothpicks!

100 Foods to Try Before You Die

  1. Abalone
  2. Absinthe
  3. Alligator
  4. Baba Ghanoush
  5. Bagel and lox
  6. Baklava
  7. Barbecue ribs
  8. Bellini
  9. Bird’s Nest Soup
  10. Biscuits and gravy
  11. Black Pudding (made from cooked blood)
  12. Black Truffle
  13. Borscht (Ukrainian soup made from beetroot)
  14. Calamari
  15. Carp
  16. Caviar
  17. Cheese fondue
  18. Chicken and waffles
  19. Chicken Tikka Masala
  20. Chile Relleno
  21. Chitterlings/Chitlins
  22. Churros
  23. Clam Chowder
  24. Cognac
  25. Crabcake
  26. Crickets
  27. Currywurst
  28. Dandelion wine
  29. Dulce de leche
  30. Durian (southeast Asian fruit notorious for its ordor)
  31. Eel
  32. Eggs benedict
  33. Fish Tacos
  34. Foie Gras
  35. Fresh Spring Rolls
  36. Fried Catfish
  37. Fried Green Tomatoes
  38. Fried Plaintain
  39. Frito Pie
  40. Frog’s Legs
  41. Fugu (pufferfish)
  42. Funnel Cake
  43. Gazpacho
  44. Goat
  45. Goat’s milk
  46. Goulash
  47. Gumbo
  48. Haggis
  49. Head Cheese
  50. Heirloom Tomatoes
  51. Honeycomb
  52. Hostess Fruit Pie
  53. Huevos Rancheros
  54. Jerk Chicken
  55. Kangaroo
  56. Key Lime Pie
  57. Kobe Beef
  58. Lassi (Indian yogurt drink)
  59. Lobster
  60. Mimosa
  61. MoonPie
  62. Morel Mushrooms
  63. Nettle Tea
  64. Octopus
  65. Oxtail Soup
  66. Paella
  67. Paneer (a cheese)
  68. Pastrami on Rye
  69. Pavlova (meringue cake)
  70. Phaal (curry dish)
  71. Philly Cheesesteak
  72. Pho
  73. Pineapple and cottage cheese
  74. Pistachio Ice Cream
  75. Po’ boy
  76. Pocky
  77. Polenta
  78. Prickly Pear
  79. Rabbit Stew
  80. Raw Oysters
  81. Root Beer Float
  82. S’mores
  83. Sauerkraut
  84. Sea Urchin
  85. Shark
  86. Snail
  87. Snake
  88. Soft Shell Crab
  89. Som Tam (spicy salad made from shredded unripened papaya)
  90. Spaetzle (German dumpling or noodle)
  91. Spam
  92. Squirrel
  93. Steak Tartare
  94. Sweet Potato Fries
  95. Sweetbreads
  96. Tom Yum
  97. Umeboshi (pickled ume fruits common in Japan, similar to a plum)
  98. Venison
  99. Wasabi Peas
  100. Zucchini Flowers

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