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Posts Tagged ‘facebook’

As I was scrolling Facebook, I came across this ad.

Swimsuit

For an obvious reason I stopped to stare.

Swimsuit2

What kind of a leopard looks like that?

Apparently a very Patriotic one.  Native to these United States.

I do have to agree with the flawless part though.  (They are talking about the swimsuit, right?)

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As you may know, if you are a regular reader here, from time to time I come across things on the interwebs that I find, um, rather amusing.

And I share with you.

On Facebook, today, I saw an ad for . . . wait for it . . . .

A Lock Pick Education Set.

Voila!

LockSmith

Seriously?

It will help you understand how a lock works!  (Don’t you just snap it shut so other people can’t get into it?) You can play it like a puzzle! (There are hours of fun to be had . . . sitting in prison!)  Perfect gift for someone you love (or someone you’d love to see in jail!)

So I’m thinking, well, I’m thinking a lot of different thoughts at this point, but first and foremost is, is this real?  Are they really selling lockpick kits to the general public?  So I click on the comments . . . only the names have been changed to protect the innocent, but you get the idea . . .

LockSmith2

I like the replies from the company, Orange Gadget.

We didn’t offer that kits.  Maybe in future will make it available.  There is much more product that will grab your interest too!

And they might try to grab your credit card number and other information as well.  I’m thinking this isn’t a reputable company, and I’m a little scared to try their link.

I am leery because I have already been bamboozled this season.  I saw an ad (on Facebook) for an electric snow shovel:

SnowShovel

This is what I ordered and paid for

But the company, Momo-Lucky delivered this:

icescraper2

 

In case you are confused, that is an ICE SCRAPER.  I am Momo-UN-Lucky.  The package may say SNOW SHOVEL (and God only knows what in Chinese–maybe SUCKER) but that is not what I ordered.

The “Value” on the package says $5.  But my credit card was still billed $79.90 for this “snow shovel!”  The matter is currently under dispute and my credit card company has reimbursed me the original deduction.

But if you are brave and embark on this new career, I’ll call you if I ever need an expert locksmith!

Of course, you may pay $80 to become an expert locksmith, and this may be what they send you:

Bobbypin

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I came across this advertisement on Facebook . . .

RunOver45
Seriously?  Are we supposed to think that runner is over 45?  I’m wondering if she’s even over 25!

And by the way, I am over 45, and I can run faster than a nine minute mile (especially if I am following her!)

I guess I should get the rate I deserve on life insurance!

And if you are over 45, you should probably ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to have running.

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I am not an eco-friendly human being.  There I said it. Hate me.  Despise me.  Curse me.

I don’t mind recycling, if I don’t have to walk all the way across the room to find a recycling bin.

I would use solar panels if someone gave them to me.

I’d drive a hybrid if I won one in a relatively cheap to enter contest.

But then I came across this ad for a new technology on Facebook.  (I swear it was on Facebook!)

FacebookAd

Any way, for some reason, I had to check this out.

Stop jacking off and start jacking on?  This is the best thing since Nike told me to Just Do It!

Even if this isn’t for real, you have to admit it is one hell of an idea.  It makes even an un-ecofriendly man like myself want to do my part to save the planet, and power my phone/car/air conditioner/computer, and quite possibly a number of the electricity users in the community around me.

I could be a beata tester!

It boggles my mind the amount of power I have wasted already!

Plug me in!

Gives a whole new meaning to being “turned on!”

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I don’t normal take those on-line quizzes . . . You know the ones I’m talking about.

What Disney character are you most like?

What Rock and Roll Band are you most like?

Which Harry Potter character are you?

Which superhero are you?

What Olympian God/Goddess are you most like?

What animal are you?

What color are you?

Seriously?  What color am I?  Do I not have a mirror?

But if you have ever ventured into the vast wasteland of Facebook, these quizzes are rampant.  But for some reason, one of them caught my eye recently.  Maybe it was because of this eye image that accompanied the advertisement:

EyeQuiz

What is your subconscious obsessed with?

I thought I already knew the answer to this one.  SEX.  I’m not ashamed to admit it.  I think about it nearly all the time.  I don’t know why.  I’ve always assumed that this was normal.  And the people who are not obsessed with it–they are what we call liars.  So I was ready to test this scientific assessment to see if it came up with the correct answer.

So I clicked on a series of pictures they displayed before me–and I tried to be as honest as possible since none of them really reminded me of sex anyway–even those inkblots don’t look like anything to me except evidence that your pen is leaking and you need a new pen–and the end result was that my subconscious is apparently obsessed with . . .

NATURE.

 

Nature

Whoa.

The only time I really commune with nature is when I run–and I do love to run outside, braving the worst of elements to avoid the dreadmill or elliptical.  We do have two dogs, but getting the dogs was not my idea.  In fact, I went on record saying I didn’t want even one dog, let alone two.  I put my foot down–right into a pile of puppy poop.  It’s not that I don’t like my dogs–I do.  But I am not obsessed with them.  I hate cats.  I loathe cats.  Truth be told, I am deathly allergic to cats and have almost ended up in the hospital unable to breathe thanks to these itchy, scratchy, wheezy little varmints.  The only good cat is a dead one, and sometimes I have to back over them nine times to make sure I get all their lives.

I do like cows.  Hamburgers and steaks are my favorite.  And pigs.  I love me some bacon.  So maybe I am an animal person after all.

Camping?  Please.  If there isn’t indoor plumbing, heat and a/c, and a bed to sleep on, I’ll pass.  If there’s cable TV, I’m there.  No Wifi?  No thank you.

Hiking?  Is that running up hill at a slow pace?  OK, maybe.

Makes me think about nature while doing grocery shopping, cooking . . . okay let’s just stop right there.  I don’t grocery shop and I do not cook.  I have trouble making grilled cheese sandwiches.

Where did I go wrong?  How could I be obsessing about nature, when I’m so busy obsessing about sex?

Then it hit me.  My obsession with sex was conscious.  Subconsciously, I might be obsessing about nature.  Maybe having sex outdoors, getting au naturel, or something like that.

What color am I?  Maybe I should take that test too. . . .could be any one of fifty shades of grey.

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Are you one of the 1.01 billion Facebook users?

Then surely you have had the occasion to check out the ads that pop up along the right side of your screen.  They are the modern billboards of the Internet’s Route 66.

For instance, there is Wal-Mart . . .

FacebookWalmart

I’m not exactly sure what those numbers mean.  27 million people LIKE Wal-Mart, but only 3 million have been there.  Even less are actually talking about it apparently. And how do THEY know that?  Can THEY hear me through my computer?  Now I am just scared.   And if there truly are a billion Facebook users, then only 2.8% of Facebook users actually LIKE Wal-Mart.  Kind of insignificant when you look at it like that.  And what about the rest. . . do they HATE Wal-Mart?  Why don’t they have a HATE option?  For that matter, why isn’t there a LOVE option?  But I digress.

So here are some ads that have popped up along my travels on this information superhighway . . .

Facebookad1

I didn’t even know I had a golf death move!  Holy Shit!  I could have killed someone!  I probably have–and I didn’t even know it.  And what’s worse, this site promises to eliminate my #1 death move.  What about my #2?  Or #3?  I’m pretty sure my game is bad enough I could wipe out the population of a small village large city with little effort.

Facebookad2I am so sorry if this blog has infected you.  I need Real to Read that Book.  NOT.

Facebookad3Thirty Eight pages of instructions is . . . easy????  Thank God there are pitchers or I might wind up building a nuclear submarine from those parts instead of a windmill for my miniature golf course (beware:  playing miniature golf may be dangerous for your health, especially if your partners have unresolved death moves.)

Facebookad4Twenty-one people ‘like’ false allegations?  I hope none of them are my friends!

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Have you seen the list of 100 Foods you should eat before you die on Facebook?  (Full list below.)  It’s a Lunch Bucket List of apparently random food items that someone with way too much time on their hands thinks people should eat before they die.  Some of the items—like snake or sea urchins might speed up that dying process.  You literally might eat them right before you die!  If you are an aficionado of these less common food staples, I apologize.  And . . . seriously?

I just lost my #18 . . . Clean up in Aisle 5!

Apparently sheep penises didn’t make the list.  But Haggis did!  Haggis is a “kind of savoury pudding containing sheep’s pluck (heart, liver and lungs — see offal); minced with onion, oatmeal, suet [isn’t that bird feed?], spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally encased in the animal’s stomach and simmered for approximately three hours.”  Make sure you use stock, not bonds.  I imagine the three hours is critical.  Any less than that, and it would probably eat you.  Offal doesn’t sound like awful by coincidence.  Now, I will admit I have eaten Spam, and I can honestly say that for as far as I know, it’s Haggis in a can.  I just don’t want to know.

I am pretty uninteresting when it comes to food.  I am a meat and potatoes man, and that pretty much translates to hamburgers and fries, which strangely enough, didn’t make this list.  That obviously casts a shadow of invalidity on this whole project.

The claim is that most people have only tried around 20 of these.  Now I am by no means a sophisticated gourmand, but I have eaten 30 of these by my count.  That could be higher but I don’t know what some of these are.

Absinthe?  Does it make the heart grow fonder?

Baba Ghanoush?  Isn’t that a producer for the Howard Stern radio show?

Bellini?  I drink Bellini tea at Olive Garden, but I doubt that is what they mean.

Jerk chicken . . . it tastes like rubber!

Bird’s nest soup?  Does this involve an actual bird’s nest?  Yes it does, but that is not the best part.  According to Wikipedia, they use the nests of cave swifts, known for saliva nests that produce the unique texture of this soup.  I’m sorry, but bird saliva will never be crossed off my lunch bucket list.

I don’t think honey comb refers to the cereal—alas I can’t check that one off.

Mimosa?  The drink.  Yes.  I have drunk mimosas.  But I suspect this is something else which I cannot cross off yet.  Oh wait . . . “tagliatelle mimosa consists of fresh green tagliatelle, served with tiny yellow fish balls, to resemble mimosa flowers.”  Mmmmm.  Fish balls.  I don’t care what color they are.  They are not on MY list.

Lassi?  Yogurt drink or dog.  You decide.

Octopus?  I won’t touch calamari.  This is just worse and more of it.

How hungry did the first person to ever eat a frog have to be?  Seriously?  It’s a frog.  I’d rather eat the lily pad.  Perhaps with a fine Chianti.

Of course, with enough alcohol, maybe even the sea urchin will start looking good.

Does this really make you hungry? Of course, with those spines, you could save on toothpicks!

100 Foods to Try Before You Die

  1. Abalone
  2. Absinthe
  3. Alligator
  4. Baba Ghanoush
  5. Bagel and lox
  6. Baklava
  7. Barbecue ribs
  8. Bellini
  9. Bird’s Nest Soup
  10. Biscuits and gravy
  11. Black Pudding (made from cooked blood)
  12. Black Truffle
  13. Borscht (Ukrainian soup made from beetroot)
  14. Calamari
  15. Carp
  16. Caviar
  17. Cheese fondue
  18. Chicken and waffles
  19. Chicken Tikka Masala
  20. Chile Relleno
  21. Chitterlings/Chitlins
  22. Churros
  23. Clam Chowder
  24. Cognac
  25. Crabcake
  26. Crickets
  27. Currywurst
  28. Dandelion wine
  29. Dulce de leche
  30. Durian (southeast Asian fruit notorious for its ordor)
  31. Eel
  32. Eggs benedict
  33. Fish Tacos
  34. Foie Gras
  35. Fresh Spring Rolls
  36. Fried Catfish
  37. Fried Green Tomatoes
  38. Fried Plaintain
  39. Frito Pie
  40. Frog’s Legs
  41. Fugu (pufferfish)
  42. Funnel Cake
  43. Gazpacho
  44. Goat
  45. Goat’s milk
  46. Goulash
  47. Gumbo
  48. Haggis
  49. Head Cheese
  50. Heirloom Tomatoes
  51. Honeycomb
  52. Hostess Fruit Pie
  53. Huevos Rancheros
  54. Jerk Chicken
  55. Kangaroo
  56. Key Lime Pie
  57. Kobe Beef
  58. Lassi (Indian yogurt drink)
  59. Lobster
  60. Mimosa
  61. MoonPie
  62. Morel Mushrooms
  63. Nettle Tea
  64. Octopus
  65. Oxtail Soup
  66. Paella
  67. Paneer (a cheese)
  68. Pastrami on Rye
  69. Pavlova (meringue cake)
  70. Phaal (curry dish)
  71. Philly Cheesesteak
  72. Pho
  73. Pineapple and cottage cheese
  74. Pistachio Ice Cream
  75. Po’ boy
  76. Pocky
  77. Polenta
  78. Prickly Pear
  79. Rabbit Stew
  80. Raw Oysters
  81. Root Beer Float
  82. S’mores
  83. Sauerkraut
  84. Sea Urchin
  85. Shark
  86. Snail
  87. Snake
  88. Soft Shell Crab
  89. Som Tam (spicy salad made from shredded unripened papaya)
  90. Spaetzle (German dumpling or noodle)
  91. Spam
  92. Squirrel
  93. Steak Tartare
  94. Sweet Potato Fries
  95. Sweetbreads
  96. Tom Yum
  97. Umeboshi (pickled ume fruits common in Japan, similar to a plum)
  98. Venison
  99. Wasabi Peas
  100. Zucchini Flowers

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Man’s Best Friend Request

Sometimes you wonder if technology has gone too far.

Take the phone for instance.  Does anyone have just a cell phone anymore?  They can take pictures, record video, text messages, access the Internet and use them to read this blog or play games.  Some people get around this uncomfortable situation by calling them cellular devices instead of cell phones.  They are freaking computers that you can put up to your ear!

And with the proliferation of cellular devices, there are fewer pay phones–and even fewer phone booths.  What are Clark Kent and Dr. Who supposed to do?

But we can be sure that wherever Superman manages to change from Clark Kent into the Man of Steel, he will be able to check his email on his I-phone.

But, I digress.

Sometimes you wonder if technology has gone too far.

Sometimes you know it has.

The issue of concern for me here is that I received a Facebook Friend Request from Kurt.

Wait for it . . .

Kurt is . . . my dog.

Yes.  My dog has asked me to be his friend on Facebook.

I was very concerned about this and discussed it with my wife.  She assures me that the dogs are never allowed on the computer unsupervised.

Somehow, that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Then, I got a request from Kurt to accept the status of being his father.

Now, truth be told, we don’t know ‘who’s his daddy.’  He was abandoned and we adopted him.  I guess that makes me his adoptive parent.  I accepted.  (I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.)  I also have to be careful what I type here.  H-e.  M-a-y.  B-e.  R-e-a-d-i-n-g.  T-h-i-s.

Don’t laugh at me–and don’t deny that you’ve never spelled in front of your kid dog.  If I actually say the word T-R-E-A-T he may run me over going to the jar where we keep them!

According to Kurt’s Facebook Page, his relationship status is “complicated.”

Seriously?  He’s a dog!

His interests include eating, sleeping, playing and running.  Those are mine too, but at least I can understand that in a dog.

Kurt, the Ladies Man

Among his favorite movies are Snow Dogs and Old Yeller.

Under television, he likes Clifford the Big Red Dog, Blues Clues, and . . . Vampire Diaries?  I am getting a bit freaked out here.

Under music, Kurt likes Taylor Swift. I am really freaked out now!

Under Books–I didn’t know he could read, but then again, how could he create a Facebook page if he couldn’t!–he lists Go Dog Go, The Pokey Little Puppy and . . .the Twilight Series?  I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone!

It’s like I don’t even know this dog.

Aaack!  Now my other dog, Sammy, has sent me a friend request!

And his music likes include Michael Bublé!  I am beyond freaking now!

I think they may have more friends than I!

All I can say is this:  if they start blogging, I’m outta here!

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The Internet is a wonderful place to learn about new things and connect with people from around the world.  There is a wealth of information and data literally at our fingertips.  The end result is that never before in the history of mankind have we been able to do so little with so much or to waste time so efficiently.

Given the choice of research that will make my life better or playing a game . . . I play a game.

It all started with PONG back in the seventies.  Then it was Asteroids, Space Invaders and PAC Man.  Frogger.  Tetris OMG!  I remember going to bed at night and closing my eyes and I could still see those pieces falling.  Then along came personal computers which opened a whole new world of games.  My old MAC-plus had a game called loderunner with a little stick figure guy that you had to work through a series of like 100 different maze levels. I think I spent more than eight hours one day trying to get through those levels!

I can’t imagine playing a game of solitaire–with an actual deck of cards!  I love Hearts, but have not played that game with actual cards–and actual people–since high school.  Game consoles brought games like Super Mario Brothers.  I won’t even begin to ennumerate the vast numbers of games available today.  You can even play games on your phone–the latest craze is the Angry Birds.

I have not yet succumbed to this heinous addiction, mainly because my cell phone is pretty much just a phone. I am so 2000-late. I can conceivably text, but I have to use the numeric keypad and quite frankly, it’s easier just to CALL someone than to vex myself trying to text.

But I am not without my obsession. Lately, I have been playing Temple of Mahjong II on Facebook. I was already familiar with the game MahJong Titans that came with the games package on my PC. Titans had several layouts to choose from and the game is actually challenging.

The Facebook version was different, though. It offered a much wider variety of layouts and themes. You earned points as you completed games. You could win new layouts and win tiles to open new themes. As you won more games, you moved on to higher levels. Sometimes they offered extra point days where your point values would be multiplied by 5 or 10. That meant you could move ahead even faster toward the next level.

The game also allowed a series of “cheats” which are perfectly legal.  You could get a hint (I rarely ever used or needed this one), reshuffle the tiles two times (so when you got to a point where there were no matches, you click and it changed the tiles without starting a whole new game), and you could pocket a tile for use later.  The game also had bonus tiles for 2x, 3x, 4x and 5x the score. Simply making a match earned you 100 points.  With the multipliers you could get even more points.  There was a timer, and the faster you completed the layout, the more bonus points you could earn at the end.

I think the cheats were like lifelines on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, which endeared them to me all the more.  Using these other options, I almost never was unable to completely clear the board of tiles.  There are some of the MahJong Titans layouts that I can only clear 20% of the time because they are more difficult and there are no reshuffling features.

Facebook also allows you to compete in tournaments against other players–from around the world.  I don’t know why, but there are a lot of people in France that play Mahjong.  Sacré bleu!  In these tournaments, you play against 4 other players–you don’t get to choose.  All five participants play the same layout.  High score wins (either Level points or free tiles).  I was able to win more than 90% of the time.

My passion for this game got me to the highest level, Level 80 or Fakir Monk.  My total score is 95,362,745.  I have played 4,630 games.  Most games take me around 3-4 minutes (the timer gives you ten.)  At 4 minutes per game, thats over 308 hours of playing time!

But then the powers that be decided to make changes.  Most human beings avoid change by nature.  Progress obviously has it’s growing pains, but without progress, we’d still be scratching flint together to make fires in our caves.  You would not be reading this without it, and I would never have become addicted to this on-line game.  In retrospect, living in a cave might have been preferrable to playing Mahjong.

Apparently, the original version of the game had some problems with it.  Occasionally, when you were playing a tournament, the score at the end would not be sent and after the timer expired you were given a zero.  This would be particularly frustrating if the score you had in the game would actually have won the tournament had it not been lost somewhere in cyberspace.  This happened to me often enough to make me angry, but not enough that I’m thrilled with the changes they made.

When they attempted to fix the game, they addressed another issue: some computers ran the game at different speeds.  I had noted that but never was sure why.  Playing on my wife’s laptop was the best.  (Not sitting in her lap but using her computer.)  The whole game ran slower and you had time during the bonus periods to clear more tiles and earn more points.  The desktop PC at home was the fastest and the one in my office at work was intermediate.

So now, the game supposedly runs at the same speed on all computers.  As far as I can tell, this is true on the computers that I use.  Unfortunately, this new speed is faster than I was used to.  Prior to the change, I could routinely score above 20,000 (my average if you do the math above was 20,600.)  My high score is 36,650.  Now I am lucky to break 15,000 and it takes a maximum effort to achieve that.  I don’t think I’ve scored over 24,000 since the change.  I’m working harder for less–it’s as bad as Medicare!

Score is worse; same result.

But these changes appear to hit everyone fairly equally, as I am still able to win most tournaments.  But there are other changes that are more subtle.

In the old game, if you matched a 4x mulitplier with a 5x mulitplier, you would get 4x the points (400 per match) until the bonus timer expired.  If you then clicked the 2x and the 3x multipliers before the first bonus timer expired, it reset the bonus time–but still at the 4x level.  In essence you get twice the number of 400 matches.  If you then reshuffle, the computer would restore all the mulitpliers back on the board somewhere so you could reuse them again.  If you matched up both 5x or both 4x, then you wouldn’t get them back.  As long as you used only one of each, you’d get the full set back.  This enables you to get much higher scores.  Now, the reshuffle doesn’t guarantee you that you will get them back.  You might.  You might not.  In fact, it seems might not happens more often.

Cant clear the board like I used to!

It also seemed like the old reshuffle gave you a better chance to clear.  When the tiles were reshuffled, it seemed like the layout was set up well to clear all the tiles.  In other words, one tile did not sit on top of its match to block it.  Thus, you were almost always assured of clearing all the tiles. Since the change, it is more common for me not to be able to clear the tiles.  In fact, sometimes you come down to two remaining tiles and they do not match.  There is no way to actually clear the board.  Skill has nothing to do with it.

What was once a fun game has now become painful to play.  Imagine if the timer were changed on PACman so that you couldn’t kill the ghosts for the same length of time.  Or if Mario lost his superpowers faster.  Or if in Tetris, when the shapes start falling faster, they fall even faster than you expect for a given level, and sometimes they drop new shapes that don’t even fit with the old ones.  That is how I feel.

And yet I still want to play. I still want my fix. But each time I log back in, I become more frustrated.

I am becoming an angry bird.

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