A Dingo Ate My Deer

Perhaps you recall the friend of mine who “hit a deer.”  She and her husband struck a deer, heard a crash and broken glass, saw something flung to the side of the road, but when they got home there was no damage to the car whatsoever.  There was no evidence a deer ever existed.

Well, her overactive, or mushroom-enhanced, imagination is still at work.

Apparently, something is killing deer behind her house.  It could be her car–we’d never know.  We do not know if these are even “real” deer.

They–her husband and her–think it could be a bobcat.  Rumors suggest they have been seen in Central PA lately.  I think the car is the more likely culprit.

She is afraid this fiend might eat her beagle dog Sammy.  Honestly, I do not know if Sammy exists or not.  I’ve never seen her husband for that matter, but other co-workers claim they have.  I’ll let you decide that one for yourself.

I know how she feels.  We have a miniature dachshund named Sammy, I remember when he was just a puppy thinking that a hawk could swoop down out of the sky and snatch him, just like that commercial for the Direct TV genie.

How do you like my wiener?

But I digress.  In discussing the bobcat theory with someone else, she was told that someone in our area had some exotic pets that got loose.  A panther.  (Not the one from Pittsburgh, though.)  And a python.  We have snow right now.  I’m not sure I’d worry about a python slithering around if you know what I mean.

So at some point, she and her husband, if he actually exists, called the game warden.  He confirmed that some pythons–plural–got loose, but would not confirm the panther.  A python was found in someone’s basement in Hollidaysburg.  The game warden agreed, though, that this particular deer-eating fiend could be a bobcat.

They took pictures of the tracks, but alas, when I asked to see them, she was unable to download them at this time.  Hmmmmm.

But this story does get better.  One day, they see some large black “animal” dragging a deer carcass behind their house.  At last!  A chance to redeem themselves.  Her alleged husband hustles downstairs with binoculars and a camera, but you know how difficult it is to track these deer eating fiends.  He decides he could get a better shot–photo–from the upstairs window.  But by the time he gets upstairs, the black thing and deer carcass are gone.  Imagine that!

Maybe it was a bear.

They don’t know what it was, but it wasn’t a bear.

She thought it could be a large dog.

A dingo ate her deer!

The game warden–called again–thought maybe it was a coyote.

How do you get rid of a coyote?  I’d buy a road runner and order some explosives from ACME myself.  Let him take care of himself so to speak.

So now her nephew has come over to set up a night vision camera to cover her backyard.

I’m sorry, but I had to ask . . . is her nephew real?

So she claims.  But the camera has failed to show anything yet.  Hmmmm.

But I want to give her the benefit of the doubt here.  I really hope she gets something on tape.

Like maybe Big Foot.

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Deer Me

We “hit” a deer.

A friend of mine was relating a story this week. She and her husband were on their way home Tuesday night after a party.  It was dark (but not a dark and stormy night.)  All of a sudden, he hit the brakes.  She looked up from her Ipad just as he “hit a deer that when flying off to the side of the road.”  She claims they even “heard glass breaking.”

Now, you may wonder why I put that in quotes.  It’s because I can’t do air quotes in a blog.

The car was still drivable so they continued home–expecting the worst.

They assumed something like this.

When they pulled into their driveway and got out, there was no visible damage to the car.  There were no broken lights or mirrors to explain the broken glass sound they allegedly heard.   She claims there was a “patch of fur” on the fender but nary a dent or scratch to indicate that a deer was launched off the roadway by impact.  She further claimed that her husband took the car to a mechanic to check and make sure there was no damage under the vehicle–and everything checked out just fine.

This led those who were listening to conclude one of the following possibilities.

1.  There was no deer.  She made it all up.  I hit a unicorn the other day with my jeep.  There was some horn on the fender, but nothing else.  See, we can do that too.

2.  They hit a reindeer, flying low across the road.  It veered away at the last second, and the glass breaking noise was actually jingle bells.

3.  They hit a Christmas Ornament (those light-up deer you see grazing in yards amidst twinkle lights) that fell off someone’s truck.  It would explain the glass, but you would expect some scratching of the vehicle.

4.  They ate some psychedelic mushrooms by accident at the holiday party they were returning from.  This is the explanation that the listening group eventually agreed upon.  It had to be the ‘shrooms.  Maybe they were drunken ‘shrooms as well.

5.  There was a deer.  It did get hit.  There was miraculously no damage (the “immaculate impaction”) and right now there is a deer in the woods trying to convince his buddies that he did indeed get hit by a car and lived to brag about it.

“Dude, that’s just a bald spot.  You didn’t get hit by a car.  Quit pulling our deer legs!”

“I swear it’s true!  See . . . they broke my glasses too!”

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