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Posts Tagged ‘children’

My son is a drummer in the marching band and wants to be a lieutenant next year.  Apparently, there is an application and interview process to select these section leaders.  After scribbling down writing up his responses for the application, he asked demanded that I type them up for him, because he has other homework to do, and I type so much better.  Boo hoo hoo.  Truth be told, I hunt and peck, but I do peck rather quickly.

This is what he wanted me to type for him . . .

Junior High Lieutenant Application

Questions:

1.   What qualifications do you bring to the lieutenant program/ a leadership role?

I have pretty good musical skills and can help other students.  I also have the motivation to have a final product that is very good sounding and well-executed.  I have participated in Kan It and Krew, as well as helping with percussion clinics for future band students.

2.  Why would you like to hold a leadership position?

Because I want to make sure that the drum line will be in shape to give our best performance possible.

3.  What are your goals for the 2012-13 Marching Band?

My goals are to improve not only my own skills, but help develop other’s skills and help the show run smoothly.

4.  What do the following terms mean to you?

a.  Commitment – to be dedicated to something and to put effort into it

b.  Leader –  a role model for others who can give advice to others

c.  Criticism – a way to help others improve without being harsh, but being helpful

d.  Pride – pride is a sense of honor and confidence in what you do

e.  Cooperation – to work with others well and help a group work like a well-oiled machine.

Who does he think I am?  His personal secretary?  A lesson in life was needed here.

The Shining example of a dad who shouldn’t type his kid’s papers.

So this is what I actually typed . . .

Junyer Hi Lootenint Applakation

Questions:

1.   What qualifications do you bring to the lieutenant program/ a leadership role?

I’m pretty much a twerp.  I’m not qualified to flip burgers and I can’t march and chew gum at the same time.  I can bang things with sticks though.  That leadership roll thing is making me hungry.

2.  Why would you like to hold a leadership position?

So that I can squash it in my open palm.  Or drop it.  Whatever.  I plan to take over the world.

3.  What are your goals for the 2012-13 Marching Band?

I didn’t know we could score goals!  My goal is to survive.  I hope not to pick my nose till it bleeds profusely.  That will be tough, but what good are goals if you don’t get high.  I mean, set them high.

4.  What do the following terms mean to you?

a.  Commitment – putting someone away in a mental institution

b.  Leader –  a unit of volume in the metric system

c.  Criticism – the opportunity to make someone else feel really bad about themselves

d.  Pride – a group of lions

e.  Cooperation – a corporation that makes chicken coops

I doubt he asks me to type anything else for him in the future!

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[Bleep] My Kids Say

I am in a reflective mood tonight.  Looking in the mirror has that effect.

I’m getting a little gray hair.  At least I still have some.  Small consolation.

Anyway, I was thinking back on my life and how my children have grown.

They used to be so sweet and innocent.

I daren’t type anything they say now.  They are teenagers.  Nudge, nudge.  Wink, wink.  Who am I kidding?  I don’t understand what they are saying nowadays.  They don’t talk . . . they text.  LOL.

But when they were little . . .

We were visiting friends one time when my daughter was about six years old.  Not just friends, but the pastor of our church and his family.  At the end of the evening, we were getting ready to leave and my daughter had her hands full.

So she innocently asked the pastor’s wife, “Can you open the damned door for me?”

To say we were mortified was an understatement.  Where could she possibly have heard language like that?  And she wasn’t using it in the proper context.  I mean, it’s not like the damned door just shut on her fingers.  Of course, if it had, and she was in severe pain, then the F-word would probably have been more appropriate for that situation.

Anyway, the pastor’s wife took this in stride and chided my daughter.

“Now, now.  That’s not a very nice thing to say.  How do we nicely ask to open the door?”

Looking up at her with those innocent brown eyes, my daughter corrected herself.  “Can you PLEASE open the damned door?”

And then there was the time my son came to me and asked me if I’d read a book to him.

“What do you want to hear?” I asked.

“I like the spooky whore.”

Well, so does daddy, but I don’t think your mommy would have bought you that book.

He went and got the book for me.

Hour.  Whore.  Innocent mistake.

Engrish is a funny language.

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