Resume Word Play

Interviewer: So I see here you have done commercials.

Applicant: Yes. Yes, I have.

Interviewer: Anything I may have seen?

Applicant: Um. Maybe.

Interviewer: Like?

Applicant: Pepto-Bismol?

Interviewer: Really? And what part did you play?

Applicant: Um. I was, um, a . . . . singer.

Interviewer: A singer? For Pepto? What did you sing?

Applicant: [clearing throat] um, Diarrhea.

Interviewer: Well. I . . . . see. Yeah. Thank you. So much. We’ll let you know if we have any openings for vile bodily function singing.

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What would Mr. Whipple Say?

Charmin bath tissue (can we just call it toilet paper?!?!?) has long moved away from the days of Mr. Whipple.  “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin.”

The advertising of today is this:

All right. All right.  All right.  This is where $hit gets real.

Now I fully understand that bears in the wild do NOT wear underwear.  These are cartoon bears.  Apparently, we are led to believe they do wear underwear.  And the boy bear’s underwear are clean–CHARMIN CLEAN!–thanks to Charmin.  I can follow that.

Even if they don’t wear underwear, I’m sure they would want to still be CHARMIN CLEAN!  Otherwise Goldilocks is going to have a brown stain on her dress after she sits in the bear’s chairs.  And we don’t even want to think about the sheets on the bed, no matter how hard or soft it is!  Of course, in the modern version, Goldilocks is probably wearing sweatpants with PINK across her butt, but she still doesn’t want a brown stain on that.  Nobody got time for that!  Although she could use a Tide Pod!  But I find it very confusing when people wear colors other than pink, that say PINK, like blue sweats that say PINK!  It’s a trademark!  I know.  It’s still very confusing!  Don’t do that!

But if these cartoon bears WEAR underwear (unlike their natural, non-advertising wild types) then why aren’t the bears wearing underwear in this commercial?  Mom, dad and son are all standing there naked, singing about clean underwear, but not actually wearing any underwear while they do this.  Is that not disturbing?  I think Mr. Whipple would have fainted!

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Misheard Lyrics?

In case you don’t speak Spanish . . . .

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American Leopard

As I was scrolling Facebook, I came across this ad.

For an obvious reason I stopped to stare.

What kind of a leopard looks like that?

Apparently a very Patriotic one.  Native to these United States.

I do have to agree with the flawless part though.  (They are talking about the swimsuit, right?)

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Unlock Your Potential

As you may know, if you are a regular reader here, from time to time I come across things on the interwebs that I find, um, rather amusing.

And I share with you.

On Facebook, today, I saw an ad for . . . wait for it . . . .

A Lock Pick Education Set.

Voila!

Seriously?

It will help you understand how a lock works!  (Don’t you just snap it shut so other people can’t get into it?) You can play it like a puzzle! (There are hours of fun to be had . . . sitting in prison!)  Perfect gift for someone you love (or someone you’d love to see in jail!)

So I’m thinking, well, I’m thinking a lot of different thoughts at this point, but first and foremost is, is this real?  Are they really selling lockpick kits to the general public?  So I click on the comments . . . only the names have been changed to protect the innocent, but you get the idea . . .

I like the replies from the company, Orange Gadget.

We didn’t offer that kits.  Maybe in future will make it available.  There is much more product that will grab your interest too!

And they might try to grab your credit card number and other information as well.  I’m thinking this isn’t a reputable company, and I’m a little scared to try their link.

I am leery because I have already been bamboozled this season.  I saw an ad (on Facebook) for an electric snow shovel:

This is what I ordered and paid for

But the company, Momo-Lucky delivered this:

 

In case you are confused, that is an ICE SCRAPER.  I am Momo-UN-Lucky.  The package may say SNOW SHOVEL (and God only knows what in Chinese–maybe SUCKER) but that is not what I ordered.

The “Value” on the package says $5.  But my credit card was still billed $79.90 for this “snow shovel!”  The matter is currently under dispute and my credit card company has reimbursed me the original deduction.

But if you are brave and embark on this new career, I’ll call you if I ever need an expert locksmith!

Of course, you may pay $80 to become an expert locksmith, and this may be what they send you:

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Running Makes You Younger

I came across this advertisement on Facebook . . .

Seriously?  Are we supposed to think that runner is over 45?  I’m wondering if she’s even over 25!

And by the way, I am over 45, and I can run faster than a nine minute mile (especially if I am following her!)

I guess I should get the rate I deserve on life insurance!

And if you are over 45, you should probably ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to have running.

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Going Bananas

Like most runners, I like me a banana now and then.  I usually eat one every day.  It’s a nice quick snack between patients or surgeries that is actually good for me.

Now in all those years of carrying my banana to work with me, I have never had a serious banana incident.  Oh, I may have dropped it on the ground once or twice, but I don’t eat the outside anyway, so it’s not necessarily a problem.

Other people must have banana issues I am not aware of.

Fortunately, we have science.  Technology meets healthy snack in a new way:  THE BANANA BUNKER.

It seems Groupon marketed this product on their website with some hilarious reactions.  The basic problem here is that the protective banana bunker resembles something else . . .

Among the comments and Groupon’s responses:

Laugh if you will, but  they sold out.

So we must wonder now, is that a banana bunker in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?

Don’t forget to sponsor me in the Beaver Stadium Run to benefit Special Olympics!  Thank you!

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I Want To Go Green!

I am not an eco-friendly human being.  There I said it. Hate me.  Despise me.  Curse me.

I don’t mind recycling, if I don’t have to walk all the way across the room to find a recycling bin.

I would use solar panels if someone gave them to me.

I’d drive a hybrid if I won one in a relatively cheap to enter contest.

But then I came across this ad for a new technology on Facebook.  (I swear it was on Facebook!)

Any way, for some reason, I had to check this out.

Stop jacking off and start jacking on?  This is the best thing since Nike told me to Just Do It!

Even if this isn’t for real, you have to admit it is one hell of an idea.  It makes even an un-ecofriendly man like myself want to do my part to save the planet, and power my phone/car/air conditioner/computer, and quite possibly a number of the electricity users in the community around me.

I could be a beata tester!

It boggles my mind the amount of power I have wasted already!

Plug me in!

Gives a whole new meaning to being “turned on!”

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Where did the years go?

As I looked at my calendar today, I realized that it is now 2014.

But it isn’t.

And then I realized, that I have not received any free desk calendars for 2015.

Is this a government conspiracy?  A sign of the apocalypse?  Or is the economy so bad that no one sends out free desk calendars anymore.

I recall years where I had 4 or 5 of them–more than I needed.  A couple usually ended up in the trash.

I got one from my insurance agent.  From the exterminator.  From my financial advisers.  From my therapist.  (I think that’s the year I got a lot of calendars–one for each of my personalities!)

But alas, I have no free desk calendar for 2015.

What is this world coming to?  And where will it end?

I’d ask when, but since I don’t have a calendar to mark it on, the answer won’t be of any use to me anyway.

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Game of War-drobe

Seriously, who dresses like this for a war?

Couldn’t she at least have accessorized with a shield or a sword or something???

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