So I went to Outback Steakhouse tonight. Now I have been known in the past to try and order a whopper at Wendy’s–they do not appreciate that let me tell you!–but it’s a Steakhouse. How could I go wrong here? Order an Onion Blossom instead of a Bloomin’ Onion?
No. I took fail to a whole new level tonight.
I was perusing the menu, and I saw Coconut Shrimp and Steak. This looks good. I’m not a big shrimp fan, nor a coconut fan, but for some reason, when you put the two together, I can go co-co-co-coconuts for that. Throw in that orange marmalade goop and you don’t even know you’re eating shrimp! (Although the pina colada stuff at Red Lobster puts the orange crap to shame, but I digress.)
But they also have some lobster specials, and while shrimp is meh, lobster is the real deal. Add a steak, and you can definitely deal me in. Add some coconut shrimp and orange goop, well, I may just have died and gone to Heaven.
My meal arrives and looks as advertised. I quickly put away the two shrimp, which by the way, were humongous. They must be like super jumbo shrimp. But slathering them in orange goop, I get them out of the way, since that is my least favorite part of this triple play combo.
Up next. Steak. Say what you want about the folks from Down Under, but they do a great steak on the barbie.
I have saved the best for last. The lobster tail. The pièce de résistance.
It looks so good. My mouth is watering in anticipation, although it might be due to the spice on the steak or the fact that my waitress hasn’t brought me a refill. I turn it over and . . .
OMG! The bastards gave me an empty shell! They are trying to rip me off! I frantically try to find our waitress, and quite frankly, don’t they all start to look the same when you need one? I finally get her attention without having to stand up on the table and swing from the lamp, which would have totally embarrassed my sons to death. Little did they know that they should have already headed for the door.
So I point to the empty carcass and complain, “I didn’t get my lobster tail!”
To which she replies, “Sir, you already ate it.”
Oh, no! Don’t you be that waitress. I did not already eat this tail and then try to game you out of another one. After all, it’s not like this is going to come out of your pocket. The damned chef is the one back there eating my lobster on his break.
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did. It’s coconut lobster. You ate it already. I saw you.”
I stared into her eyes. They were telling me that not only did she see me eat the coconut “shrimp” but she saw me down them so fast that I still have orange goop on my lips. I think I had just shoved one in my mouth next to my tonsils when she stopped by to ask how everything tasted. Apparently she didn’t understand me complimenting the shrimp that was stuck in my throat. It was not a pleasant stare. She was looking at me with disdain.
“You mean . . .”
“It’s steak and coconut lobster. There isn’t any shrimp.”
Well put a star on my forehead and call me a Christmas Tree. I did not see that coming.
My triple play ultimate combo was really a double play, with a fake tail that the waitress claims they put on the plate for “effect.” Like a placebo effect. It just makes you feel like you’ve had lobster. I’ve heard of the Butterfly Effect but I have never heard of the Lobster Effect.
And worse yet, I have already eaten my damned lobster! First instead of last! You can’t do it in that order! And I thought it was shrimp! (In all honesty, it was really good shrimp, which now in hindsight makes sense since it was lobster and not shrimp after all.)
I should have read the menu, instead of just looking at the pretty pictures.
My sons may never eat with me again.
Next time, I’ll stick to Red Lobster. At least there is lobster in the name.