As you may know, Five Guys is a fast food franchise that features a red and white checkered logo, free peanuts to shell, fresh-cut fries from some town in Idaho, and perhaps the best burgers on the planet. Someone even wrote an Ode to Five Guys.
But our local establishment confuses me.
I have eaten there twice, and I can almost say with utmost certainty, that not all the guys working there were . . . . um, guys.
It was actually more like two guys and three girls, although tonight, I really couldn’t make a final call on one of them. Girl. Ugly girl. Needs to shave her face. No. Wait! Guy. Yes. Absolutely. Three guys and only two girls tonight. Maybe.
I mean, if you go into Victoria’s Secret, you expect to deal with Victoria. Not Victor.
I go to Five Guys, and I expect there to be five guys working there. WHY ELSE DO YOU CALL IT THAT?
Would you go to Saks Fifth Avenue if it were on Fourth Street?
Granted, I don’t see Wendy at Wendy’s. But I can’t really expect her to be at every store. Ditto with Ronald McDonald. Actually, he would kind of creep me out if I had to eat in front of him anyway. Thank you Stephen King for my clown nightmares.
But this isn’t a specifically named establishment like Roy Rogers or Long John Silvers. It’s Five Guys. Count them. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. (Lightning strikes, Ah, Ah, Ah!) Guys. Not Gals. Besides, that wouldn’t rhyme with fries as in Five Guys Burgers and Fries. I guess you could have Five Girls Burgers and Swirls, and offer cinnabun swirls instead of Idaho potatoes, but even I know that would be a bad idea. Have you ever dipped a swirl into ketchup? It’s not pretty and it tastes like it looks.
I’m not being sexist. I’m just confused.
If you must hire ladies to man the grill, than let’s just call the place Gals and Guys Burgers and Fries, and be done with it. And you could hire extra help if you need them and not be limited to five!