When Life Gives You Squids

My son was playing this video game called Minecraft, and he was telling me that his fountain that he built (he can’t even make a grilled cheese sandwich, so I don’t know how he built a fountain) had squids in it.  Actually, he makes a pretty good sandwich . . . me on the other hand, well, that’s another blog entry all itself.  But I know I can’t build a fountain, with or without squids.  And I digress.

Squids?

Apparently this is a common problem with fountains in Minecraft.

So like any good father, I used this opportunity for teaching . . .

When life gives you squids. . . make calamari.

He doesn’t like calamari.  But neither do I.  But I’m sure there’s a valuable lesson in there somewhere.  Sell the calamari to someone who like it.

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Youse Guys Ever Eat at Five Guys?

As you may know, Five Guys is a fast food franchise that features a red and white checkered logo, free peanuts to shell, fresh-cut fries from some town in Idaho, and perhaps the best burgers on the planet.  Someone even wrote an Ode to Five Guys.

cheeseburger of Paradise

But our local establishment confuses me.

I have eaten there twice, and I can almost say with utmost certainty, that not all the guys working there were . . . . um, guys.

It was actually more like two guys and three girls, although tonight, I really couldn’t make a final call on one of them.   Girl.  Ugly girl.  Needs to shave her face.  No. Wait!  Guy.  Yes.  Absolutely.  Three guys and only two girls tonight.  Maybe.

I mean, if you go into Victoria’s Secret, you expect to deal with Victoria.  Not Victor.

I go to Five Guys, and I expect there to be five guys working there.  WHY ELSE DO YOU CALL IT THAT?

Would you go to Saks Fifth Avenue if it were on Fourth Street?

Granted, I don’t see Wendy at Wendy’s.  But I can’t really expect her to be at every store.  Ditto with Ronald McDonald.  Actually, he would kind of creep me out if I had to eat in front of him anyway.  Thank you Stephen King for my clown nightmares.

But this isn’t a specifically named establishment like Roy Rogers or Long John Silvers.  It’s Five Guys.  Count them.  One.  Two.  Three.  Four.  Five.  (Lightning strikes, Ah, Ah, Ah!) Guys.  Not Gals.  Besides, that wouldn’t rhyme with fries as in Five Guys Burgers and Fries.  I guess you could have Five Girls Burgers and Swirls, and offer cinnabun swirls instead of Idaho potatoes, but even I know that would be a bad idea.  Have you ever dipped a swirl into ketchup?  It’s not pretty and it tastes like it looks.

I’m not being sexist.  I’m just confused.

If you must hire ladies to man the grill, than let’s just call the place Gals and Guys Burgers and Fries, and be done with it.  And you could hire extra help if you need them and not be limited to five!

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Progressive Thinking

Note:  I do not carry Progressive Auto Insurance, am not a spokesperson for the company and have received no financial incentive for this post.  Further, no automobiles, name-your-own-price tools or annoying Flo’s were injured in the creation of this post.  Thank you.

After hearing a Progressive Insurance commercial for the one millionth time ( I might be exaggerating, but probably not), I was finally intrigued enough to do some research on this Snapshot Discount thingy they keep promoting to save me money.

Seriously folks, what kind of company really wants to save you money?  Taking your money is how they make money.  It’s like the government, but the IRS doesn’t have to advertise.

So after a thorough Google search, I found this review from a year ago–hey, I never promised you timely information.  I never promised you anything, for that matter.  But I digress.

According to this source, the way the Snapshot gizmo works is to track your miles, when you are driving, and how many “hard brakes” you do while driving.  Now hasn’t that cleared everything up for you?

Time of day: The reason Progressive tracks what time of day you is simple: if you drive during peak hours for accidents, such as between midnight and 4 a.m., the likelihood you’ll get in an accident is much higher than if you drive during off-peak hours. If the majority of your driving is during less accident-prone hours, you may see a larger discount.

Miles driven: Many insurance companies ask drivers to supply this data, meaning that drivers track their own mileage and report that amount. Because Progressive tracks mileage digitally through the Snapshot device, the chance of an accident can be better predicted. The general idea is that the more miles you drive, the more likely you’ll get into  an accident.

Hard brakes: A hard brake is when the car’s speed decreases at a rate greater than 7 mph per second. More hard brakes per day may indicate less cautious driving. Progressive will give higher discounts to drivers with fewer hard brakes.

The more miles you drive the more likely you’ll get into an accident?  I have taken that logic one step further.  The more time you spend on the road, the more likely you are to be in an accident.  So go faster so that you get there faster.  You’ll be off the road faster and less likely to get hit.

I still have no idea what that hard brake means.  I run about 7 mph.  I can stop in less than a second.  That doesn’t sound like very much to me–in other words, I probably commit more hard brakes pulling into my garage than any discount they would allow.  And is it really my fault if some idiot pulls out in front of me?  Isn’t a hard brake better and more cost-effective for my insurance company than plowing into said idiot?  I should be rewarded for that kind of attention and reflexes.

Is it really worth a few bucks for someone I don’t know, in an office somewhere I don’t go, to know how often I am in my car, when I’m in my car, and how badly I might be driving?

Honestly, I thought the thing would track speed as well.  Maybe it does and they don’t tell you that.  Maybe they have GPS capabilities–and they don’t tell you that.  They promise they won’t give out the information to anyone else, but how do we know that?  Do I sound paranoid?  Why are you reading this anyway?  Who are you?  How did you get here?  I’m not paranoid, but I’m not sure I like the tone of your questions?

I also thought that with the way I drive, I’d probably not only not get a discount, but they would make me pay more.  According to what I’ve read, that is not true.  But you can’t believe everything you read on the Internet, except for this sentence of course.

And having that little transmitter in the car would kind of creep me out.  It would be like having Flo sitting right there with me, riding shotgun.

The face only an insurance company could love.
At least she’s not a Gecko.
I wouldn’t drive with a Gecko in my car.
I’m not a Geckophobe. It’s more a religious thing. Or not.

So do you have a Snapshot thingy in your car, and have you seen up to 30% in savings?

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Don’t Know Why I Swallowed That Fly

It’s not the first time I have had a bug fly in my mouth while running.

But a couple of days ago, when it was somewhat humid, I had the displeasure of this phenomenon again while running through a wooded area on a trail.

Normally, I just spit and grimace in disgust.

But this time was different.  This was no gnat.  This was no ordinary house fly.  This was more like a dragonfly.  Maybe a small bird.

It gagged me.

I didn’t throw up, but that would probably have dislodged the varmint from the mucous in the back of my throat.  I think it was clinging to my uvula.

It might have been a bat, but perhaps I exaggerate a bit.

To The Bat Cave, Robin!

All I know is that I spit and hacked and coughed and gagged, and I’m not really sure where the thing ended up–hopefully in my stomach, because I never did manage to eject it from my system.  It might be living in my sinuses for all I know!  It did not, for the record, taste like chicken.

But I would face a whole colony of bats rather than what I ran into today.

It had to be a snake, didn’t it?

It may look to you like the image above, but the picture below is what I saw.

It probably dines on joggers!

 

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Tough Love: A Typing Lesson

My son is a drummer in the marching band and wants to be a lieutenant next year.  Apparently, there is an application and interview process to select these section leaders.  After scribbling down writing up his responses for the application, he asked demanded that I type them up for him, because he has other homework to do, and I type so much better.  Boo hoo hoo.  Truth be told, I hunt and peck, but I do peck rather quickly.

This is what he wanted me to type for him . . .

Junior High Lieutenant Application

Questions:

1.   What qualifications do you bring to the lieutenant program/ a leadership role?

I have pretty good musical skills and can help other students.  I also have the motivation to have a final product that is very good sounding and well-executed.  I have participated in Kan It and Krew, as well as helping with percussion clinics for future band students.

2.  Why would you like to hold a leadership position?

Because I want to make sure that the drum line will be in shape to give our best performance possible.

3.  What are your goals for the 2012-13 Marching Band?

My goals are to improve not only my own skills, but help develop other’s skills and help the show run smoothly.

4.  What do the following terms mean to you?

a.  Commitment – to be dedicated to something and to put effort into it

b.  Leader –  a role model for others who can give advice to others

c.  Criticism – a way to help others improve without being harsh, but being helpful

d.  Pride – pride is a sense of honor and confidence in what you do

e.  Cooperation – to work with others well and help a group work like a well-oiled machine.

Who does he think I am?  His personal secretary?  A lesson in life was needed here.

The Shining example of a dad who shouldn’t type his kid’s papers.

So this is what I actually typed . . .

Junyer Hi Lootenint Applakation

Questions:

1.   What qualifications do you bring to the lieutenant program/ a leadership role?

I’m pretty much a twerp.  I’m not qualified to flip burgers and I can’t march and chew gum at the same time.  I can bang things with sticks though.  That leadership roll thing is making me hungry.

2.  Why would you like to hold a leadership position?

So that I can squash it in my open palm.  Or drop it.  Whatever.  I plan to take over the world.

3.  What are your goals for the 2012-13 Marching Band?

I didn’t know we could score goals!  My goal is to survive.  I hope not to pick my nose till it bleeds profusely.  That will be tough, but what good are goals if you don’t get high.  I mean, set them high.

4.  What do the following terms mean to you?

a.  Commitment – putting someone away in a mental institution

b.  Leader –  a unit of volume in the metric system

c.  Criticism – the opportunity to make someone else feel really bad about themselves

d.  Pride – a group of lions

e.  Cooperation – a corporation that makes chicken coops

I doubt he asks me to type anything else for him in the future!

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