From my archives . . . a column I wrote in 2000 on another site that was actually plagiarized later by someone else. It was either good or they were desperate. Probably the latter. But in the final analysis, I present it now because I am just too lazy to write a new one!
Not being Irish (I have never rooted for Notre Dame,) I simply cannot fathom the holiday tradition behind St. Patrick’s Day. In an effort to become a more rounded individual, I ate several cream-filled doughnuts this morning—but I still don’t know anymore about this tradition than before I started. So, I decided to do some research into St. Patrick’s Day, shamrocks, Ireland (did you know this was a country,) and green beer. Normally, such research would be antithetical to the mission of my works, but I was on a sugar-high and feeling no pain (aside from a little gas and bloating.) And besides . . . there’s beer!
ST. PATRICK—The patron saint of Ireland, who is rumored to have used the Shamrock as a symbol of the Trinity (wine, women and song.) According to the legend, he drank a lot of green beer before having this revelation. Also, there is the debatable issue as to whether St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland or not. I tend to think one would need a few pints of green beer before embarking on such a task (I hate snakes, myself, and I surely wouldn’t chase them unless I were sufficiently liquored,) but there is a point at which too much green beer may cause the snakes to appear. The world may never know the real answer, but if it drinks enough green beer, it won’t care.
COLLEEN—An Irish girl. When you’re drunk, it’s easier to remember one name, than a bunch of individual names, so all young girls are called “Colleen.” If it is an older woman, with gray hair and wrinkles—or just an ugly girl of any age—then she is called a “Collie.” If she’s a little green, then she’s a “Collard.” If she’s really fat, then you call her a “Colossal.” If it’s not funny, then you call it my “column.”
BLARNEY STONE—a legendary rock that is rumored to impart dirt on the lips of anyone who kisses it. It follows in the kissing tradition of many peoples. The Italian’s kiss the Godfather’s Ring, the British kiss the Queen’s derriere, Kamikaze’s kiss their asses good-bye, and West Virginian’s kiss their sisters.
POTATO FAMINE—this was a dark era in Irish history when all the potatoes were used to ferment alcohol leaving none for consumption as McFries. After the hangovers wore off, they were able to go out and plant more potatoes.
O’LEARY—a word to denote skepticism, as in “I am just a wee bit o’leary about kissing that rock—you don’t know who has kissed it before you.”
SHAMROCK—literally a rock that is a sham, but for the sake of argument here, it is the symbol of a country known as Ireland. The ontogenic phylogeny of this lucky herb traces back to the Club (one of the four traditional suits and an effective way to protect your car.) The color was changed from black to green by St. Patrick and Chlorophyll (the Mother Superior) to distinguish it from the lesser, English-variety of Club described by Hoyle. (I just ate another doughnut. Perhaps I shouldn’t be chasing them down with Irish coffee.)
The LEPRECHAUN—this is a frightening, mythical creature that attacks humans in low-budget horror films. Personally, I found the movie character less frightening than the Mike Myers (aka Wayne of Austin Powers’ World) impression of the leprechaun—he is far more frightening than the original character. The Leprechaun is also the mascot of a small college in North or South Dakota–somewhere out there, over the rainbow, with a gold-painted dome and a once-great football team (once-great back in a time when there were no other football teams around.)
LUCK O’ the IRISH—let’s see, leprechaun’s running around killing people, potato famines, Ted Kennedy, and all the colleens running around kissing Blarney Stone (second cousin to, and not as cute as, Barney Rubble)—if it weren’t for bad luck, they’d have no luck at all . . .
KISS ME, I’M IRISH (or KISS ME, I’M WEARING GREEN)—buttons worn by people who actually think someone else would want to put their lips on the lips that have met the Blarney Stone. Maybe if you wipe off the moss and apply some lip-gloss, we can talk.
ERIN GO BRAUGH—the Irish version of the Wonder bra. It’ll support you longer than your husband can hold his beer. It’s available in pastel green, only. But, let’s just be honest here. I’ve seen Erin, and she really doesn’t have anything to “braugh” about, now, does she? Erin’s more a “collie” than a “colleen” and she should spend her time cutting some holes in a paper bag, if you know what I mean. For crying out loud, there are Irish potatoes with better looking eyes.
CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE—a traditional Irish meal that can only be consumed after great quantities of green beer have been quaffed. Here in America, we call it Maized beef and we are amaized that anyone eats it. I was unsuccessful in my research as to exactly how the beef is corned. Is it corn-fed, or is the corn used to prepare the beef in other ways? Is it still on the ear, or is it kernelled first? I suspect we don’t really want to know. It’s hard to make fun of this dish, but not as hard as trying to keep it down.
WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILIN’—the keg has just been tapped.
CEAD MILE FAILTE—an old Irish saying that means 100,000 welcomes as in when you walk into an Irish bar and there seem to be at least 100,000 drunken Irishmen sitting at the bar. (Or it just sounds like there are that many sitting at the bar, or littered on the floor beneath the barstools.) Imagine the welcomes if you offer to buy the next round.
SHILLELAGH—a strong Irish whiskey best known for its side effects: Shillelagh, she’ll lay me. Of course, if she’ll lay Lee, she’ll probably do it with anybody, and you can probably save yourself the cost of the drink.
GREEN BEER—a varietal of lager with a full body, a frothy head, and the ability to turn your urine green. It doesn’t get any better than this. Down a few pints of this, and you could take that bag off Erin’s head and kiss the Blarney stone. (Don’t forget in your drunken state, to pick the moss out of your teeth.)