While grocery shopping with my wife, my son and I had to wait while she went in search of some, um, feminine products.
Trying to break the awkward moment, I asked him in jest, “How about them Pirates?”
I’m not a huge baseball fan. OK. I’m not a small baseball fan. I’m about 5′ 6″. But I don’t follow the sport anymore like I did when I was my son’s age. But I do know that the Pittsburgh Pirates were actually in contention this year, or at least until the last month. The basic point of all this is that people ARE actually talking about them again.
My son replied, “Yeah? What about them?”
“They’re doing pretty good this year.” What is taking her so long?
“I guess.”
“Who’s your favorite?”
“I like Johnny Depp.”
“Oh. I’m not familiar with him. What position does he play?”
“Captain.” He said it with that ‘doh, are you that stupid’ voice.
Team captain, huh? I don’t follow the sport, but I don’t know who is the team captain of the pirates. I don’t even know if they have team captains in baseball. But I probably couldn’t name one player on the roster right now anyway. “Captain, huh? But what position does he play?”
“Position?” He’s getting annoyed with me. What is she looking for in that aisle?
“On the field?”
“What field?” He looks confused. This makes me confused.
“The baseball field?”
“We’re talking baseball?”
Well, I’m not talking about the Pirates who don’t do anything. Just the ones that can’t win anything.
“What are you talking about?”
“The Pirates of the Caribbean.” Again, that doh! tone of voice. “What were you talking about?”
“The Pirates of Pittsburgh?”
“Is that a movie?”
“No.”
“They have Pirates in Pittsburgh?”
Well, there are three rivers. You can sail on the river, right?
“The baseball team? The Pirates?”
I’m looking for some evidence of recognition, but alas the lights are on but no one is at home plate.
“I didn’t know that Pittsburgh had a baseball team.”
Up until this season, a lot of people didn’t know that either.
“Do you know who’s on first?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“He’s on third. Who’s on first.”
“Is this something to do with the Pittsburgh Pirates?”
“Whatever,” I exclaim in disgust. Don’t they teach these kids anything in school anymore?
“What?”
“He’s on second.”
Fortunately my wife came back at this time.
Maybe someday he’ll figure it out.
theeyelife 
UMMMM I was getting razor refills! And they were stuck in this stupid plastic case………
I guess you’re gonna kill me for saying this, but thieves, beggers, pirates and most of all Johnny Depp are much cooler than baseball players or baseball at all. But I guess I just don’t like sports that don’t involve breaking the law.