So there I was, living the Eye Life, doing cataract surgery and listening to the radio–hits of the eighties, nineties and today!–when the DJ came on and started talking about this guy in New York who is taking his wife outside in a wheelchair, walking seventy miles, because she likes the outdoors. Sounded like one of those “feel good” stories, but I thought I’d listen anyway. I’m way ahead of the story thinking she has some debilitating disease and he’s going to make husbands everywhere else look like puke.
His wife is . . . . wait for it . . . a mannequin.
Good feeling gone.
My first thought was that old Ned had found himself the perfect woman, perhaps at Macy’s or even Victoria’s Secret. I was picturing this man pushing a life-size Barbie doll down the streets of New York. But the real story is more bizarre than that, if you can believe it.
Ned Nefer has fell in love with Teagan . . . when she was only a head. He has since built her a body out of wood.
The dummy is on the right. I think.
Are those eyelashes?
Are those lips real or did someone have plastic woodshop surgery?
What about splinters?
Of course, some might argue that she is the perfect mate. She doesn’t nag or expect expensive gifts. With a little bit of polyurethane, she’ll look as good as she did on her wedding night forever. Other women will envy her. She doesn’t have to worry about wrinkles. Maybe just warping. And termites. That could be terminal.
But as bizarre as this story may seem, it is not isolated. There is actually a clinical term for this called agalmatophilia.
Further research unearthed this youtube video of a man marrying a store mannequin . . .
Doesn’t he remind you of Tiny Tim? Or Grandpa on the Munsters?
Gun oil? Seriously? Whatever happened to K-Y jelly?
Will he now be able to get a bigger social security check for being married?
I think the dog barking at the 4:25 mark was speaking now rather than forever holding his peace.
The Church of Proctology? I’m not even going to. Go. There.
And as for someone putting his sex toy (“her lady garden”) between his wife’s legs, well I think we all know what that would mean. This behavior could become epidemic.
theeyelife 
BOOOORED.